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About cara

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  1. Well oficially I am still working step 9 but I am thinking ahead a bit and wondering when I get to step 11 what on earth to do about meditation. What is it? How do you do it without dying of boredom? And most importantly what do you find to meditate about? As you might guess my experiences in the past with this have not been entirely positive. If I am wondering there are a lot of others out there thinking the same so those in the know please share your knowledge. Cara
  2. I seem to have spent a long time making lists on step 8. But the hardest thing has been in making the transition between thinking about it and actually doing something. A lot of the time it was diffficult to even figure out how I might have hurt anyone but having to go back to the scene of the crime is very scary for me. If I make a mistake I usually close the door and walk away for ever. The idea of trying to mend the tear is so foreign I find it hard to comprehend. As Yoda might say 'Much fear there is in me' and that makes me much more susceptable to the 'dark side'. I know there is a lot of knowledge and experience on this site and I would like to tap into that, this is my hardest step to date. So please help!
  3. I'm feeling a lot like Betsy. There seems a lot to do in my marriage and i'm not sure where to begin to be willing to do it . Thing is I am turning myself inside out trying to figure who else I hurt and I just can't. My relationships were never that close and I did everything I could to protect everyone from my acting out (and acting in). I was so secretive that hardly anyone would have noticed anything wrong. Although I was not truthful to anyone I can't see how that actually hurt anyone, they didn't know any different. Telling people the truth - now that would hurt people pretty badly so that is not an amends I could make. Kind of a paradox that isn't it? Cara
  4. The way I worked it was that there were people who I hurt because I had a bad day but are they really going to remember that so many years later, and am I ever going to see them again. Most have moved out of my life now so I'm saving my amends for the people that I really badly hurt through my addictive behaviour. The trick is that when you get to step ten you can carry on making those amends as you hurt people and you can do that for minor things then. I also made a list of people I needed to forgive as part of my step eight work and plan to make a decision to forgive them in step nine. Don't know if that helps at all. Cara
  5. Somewhere it is written that a forth step is never complete and it is never perfect. I took hope from that one. When I began I was convinced that each of the things I wrote down would have to be wrung out of me but I just began by thinking about resentments and fears and guess what, everything else fell into place. I asked the question, 'Why do I resent this and why do I fear that?' Once I got started not a day went by that I didn't think of some flaw (or attribute) in my character. It helped me to write down with each one how it affected me and in what way was it violating the will of my Higher Power. Some people don't like to put the positives in but I found it helpful for instance to realise how battling my fears had produced courage in me, even how some of my fears had prevented me from acting out, so do I want those things removed right now? It is all about knowing how you operate and why. I suppose at the end of the day if a forth step gives a good picture of who you are then you have done a good job. I also checked out the Ten Commandments and figured out which ones I had broken in the pursuit of my addiction. After a while I realised that stuff I was coming up with was already there in the list in another form so now I think I may be ready to share that. No it is not finished and I am sure it is not perfect but I think it is enough for now. Cara
  6. I just put Step 4 into Google and I got some great stuff up. The AA stuff is always good as they have been doing this for some time. I started by looking at my resentments and fears and somehow loads of ideas came from that. Ask other people as well, sometimes others can see what you can't. And don't just look for the bad stuff, you need to know your good points too. My sponsor asked me to think of three attributes and it took me a few days of serious thinking to do that without saying 'BUT'. Be aware though, it is going to get painful, just writing this junk down tears me to bits. But think how good it will feel when you know your Higher power is going to sort these defects of character for you. Hope it goes well for you, this is a really important step. Cara -- cara
  7. Hey Grace if you are still around and want a reply. i'm in step 3 and like you I was familiar with the doctrine of repentance as a way of turning around my life and turning away from sin. But what I have experienced in recovery is different. Realising my powerlessness was important to me because for many years I tried to manage this myself and proved that it was impossible because my addiction progessed even though I repented many times of it. So having established that God is far more merciful than I had previously imagined Him to be in Step 2 I have found that my experience in Step 3 is one of relinquishment and abandoning myself and my addictive behaviour into His care. This was also a familliar concept but previously the only things I had relinquished were the ones I had felt were fit for God to own. Silly me, none of it is fit for Him, even my best most holy efforts are not going to be fit. But by grace He accepts us as we are warts and all. The important thing is that only He can produce the transformation of recovery. That is the paradox and miracle of the program. Not God blessing our efforts but us working with Him and following His lead as we begin to move into freedom. Cara
  8. Someone recently said to me (referring to my recovery group) that these 'secular organisations' were ok but did not address the spiritual component of addiction. I was laughing about this for some time because recovery has been the most complete spiritual experience I have ever had. And I have been a practicing christian for 35 years. My difficulty is that although I knew from the start that God accepted me as I am, I soon discovered that the people in the churches could not. So I have spent a lot of time pretending to be something I am not so I could stay in those churches. I did try living as a christian outside of that and no way did that work. I am grateful for those churches in that they provided me with safe places to be in and a framework for my life which held my addiction back and contained it but on the other hand there was no recovery in that. It is in recovery that I have seen the attitudes of people match the attitude of God towards me in complete acceptance. Even so when I reached Step 2 I had some serious issues to work through as I rethought what I believed about God and I included in my Higher Power the human Body of Christ - the church (and it is a very broad church). The same person also told me that she considered the concept of a Higher Power is dangerous because people might encounter the wrong god. In my experience I have found that those who search for God will find Him, after all He's that big and He's searching for you too so how can you miss Him. Apologies to all those who have a Higher Power who is not God, but even then I get the feeling that your Higher Power and mine have an awful lot in common. Cara