In a nutshell

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Ok well I stumbled across this website after a long time of feeling guilt, regret and shame, for a range of different reasons, but the main one at this time being that I have been a binge drinker for at least 10 years and it has escalated....slowly but surely...over the last 3 yrs (related to a life changing event which I'll save for another time) I now partake in varying bouts of binge drinking at least twice a week...I can very easily roll into day 2 and beyond depending on circumstances.

I wouldn't class myself as an alcoholic, although I have come close, but I do tick almost all of the boxes concerning alcohol abuse/alcohol use disorder. I find that I cannot stop at just a few and once I get to that place I have no control over my drinking at all. My drunken behaviour is so misaligned with my core values and beliefs that I feel shame and guilt, and become depressed. Lately it is a challenge to keep the negative thoughts out of my mind and my depression is steadily on the downward slide. Sober, I am a very caring and giving person who takes an interest in other people, however even when I'm sober these days, I'm just so self absorbed with these negative thoughts, but when I am 'in the twilight zone' I couldn't give two hoots about anyone - I just want to have fun - and although I don't think I hurt anyone at the time I disappoint them; I'm not engaged with them, I'm messy, I say the wrong things, and the next day I struggle to remember what I did and said and when I do I wish the earth would swallow me up! When I do converse with people in this state I can be condescending and just plain unsupportive - a total disregard for others' feelings. I have stayed up drinking all night and all through the next day on more occasions than I care to count and recovery day is on the lounge in and out of sleep feeling so horrible I could curl up and die.

I have ended up avoiding any social drinking gatherings in fear of losing control. I don't think anyone wants to deal with me anyway and I feel I have lost the respect of others.

I really need to change something because this is definitely not doing me any favours and I don't it to get any worse.

Thank you for reading and good luck to you all on your recovery journeys. I hope I can be of some help and support to you someday.


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